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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23777560">Meanwhile</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireflyFoxtrot/pseuds/FireflyFoxtrot'>FireflyFoxtrot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Remus Lupin, Bottom Sirius Black, Dirty Talk, Gay Sirius Black, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Other, Top Remus Lupin, Werewolf, wolfstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 20:35:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,617</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23777560</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FireflyFoxtrot/pseuds/FireflyFoxtrot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Voldemort throws the wizarding world into chaos in the last part of the 20th century. Meanwhile, two boys fall in love.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>131</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. October 31, 1981</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Writing these sporadically and out of order. Enjoy?</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Remus comes home to Sirius. He doesn't know it's for the last time.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Sirius had fallen asleep on the couch waiting up for Remus to come back; the sound of the door creaking open woke him.</p><p class="p1">Remus staggered in, coat collar up against the rain.</p><p class="p1">“Honey, I’m home,” he croaked.</p><p class="p1">Sirius yawned.</p><p class="p1">“Where have you been?”</p><p class="p1">Remus glared at him.</p><p class="p1">“I know, you can’t tell me.” Sirius rubbed his eyes; he noticed new scars across Remus’ face. His boyfriend looked even more haggard than he usually did after a full moon. “Jesus, you look like shit.”</p><p class="p1">“Thanks.” Remus set his knapsack down and shrugged off his coat.</p><p class="p1">“Come here,” Sirius said.</p><p class="p1">“I’m going to take a shower.” Remus walked past him and limped down the hallway.</p><p class="p1">“You’re going to collapse.” Sirius rose from the couch with another yawn. “Let me help you.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m fine,” Remus said without turning around.</p><p class="p1">“What is your problem? The mission’s over, I’m here, let me help you.” Sirius reached out and touched Remus’ shoulder. Remus jerked away and whirled to face Sirius.</p><p class="p1">“Don’t touch me,” he snarled.</p><p class="p1">Sirius flinched, hurt.</p><p class="p1">“What happened?” he asked.</p><p class="p1">“I just spent a week as a wild animal. I need a fucking shower,” Remus spat, then stalked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.</p><p class="p1">Sirius just stood there. He listened as Remus turned the shower on. He thought he could hear sharp intakes of breath as Remus undressed, the rustle of clothing falling to the floor punctuated by quiet groans of discomfort.</p><p class="p1">Sirius should have been there. Sirius should be taking care of Remus after the full. Sirius knew the werewolf outreach was crucial but he couldn’t help feeling that Remus was making entirely too much of a sacrifice.</p><p class="p1">The shower stopped. Sirius heard the shower curtain pull across the bar, tentative steps. The door opened. Remus appeared with a towel slung low around his waist. Another new wound was visible just above his hip, a nasty gash hastily patched. Remus had never been good at healing spells.</p><p class="p1">“Did you wait outside the door?” Remus’ voice sounded softer.</p><p class="p1">“I missed you.”</p><p class="p1">Remus sighed. He rubbed his face.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“I don’t like this,” Sirius said.</p><p class="p1">“You think I do?”</p><p class="p1">“I mean I don’t like what it does to you.”</p><p class="p1">Remus raised an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”</p><p class="p1">“You get all… aggro. You get more, I don’t know. Meaner? Wilder?”</p><p class="p1">Remus tried to chuckle, just a wry exhalation. “I thought you liked me wild.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius looked at his feet. “I don’t like you running with the… the <em>pack</em> for the full moon.”</p><p class="p1">“So you don’t like me being what I am.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius shook his head, meeting Remus’ eyes again. “That’s not fair.”</p><p class="p1">“‘Cause it is what I am, Sirius. These other werewolves? Living in packs, scrounging for scraps at the edge, this is what I’d be if Dumbledore hadn’t gone to bat for me. The difference between me and them is just luck. Just dumb luck. They’re doing the best they can.”</p><p class="p1">“They murder people, Rem.”</p><p class="p1">“They do what they have to to survive.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay,” Sirius said slowly. Maybe he didn’t know how far Remus had gone with these people. “Have you killed anyone out with them?”</p><p class="p1">“No.”</p><p class="p1">“How do you know?” Sirius asked quietly. “Sometimes you don’t remember what you do.”</p><p class="p1">“I guess I don’t know then,” Remus said, exasperated. “I don’t understand. Where is this coming from? You want me to stop?”</p><p class="p1">“Yes!”</p><p class="p1">“And do what instead? Lie low here? Doing nothing all day? I can’t go out and get a job. I’m not going to stay here and be your personal fucktoy. There’s a war on. And I have a debt to repay.”</p><p class="p1">“This is about repaying a debt to Dumbledore?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m not risking my neck for my own health!”</p><p class="p1">“Don’t yell at me.” Sirius tried to keep from crying but Remus knew him too well. At the quiver of Sirius’ lip Remus set his jaw and stepped forward, arms extended.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius looked up at the taller man, eyes wet. He nodded almost imperceptibly and Remus gingerly put his arms around him.</p><p class="p1">Remus smelled like their soap.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry,” he repeated into Sirius’ hair.</p><p class="p1">“’S’okay,” Sirius mumbled against Remus’ chest. “You’re tired. I’m tired. Let’s go to bed.”</p><p class="p1">“Okay.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius cuddled up into bed, curled on his side. Remus peeled his towel off and let it fall in a heap on the ground. He crawled into bed behind Sirius, and tentatively wrapped his long arms around him.</p><p class="p1">Their argument had formed something like condensation in the dark of their room, clinging to their sheets and the windowsill like sweat. Sirius fidgeted, unable to get comfortable. Remus sighed, his arm falling asleep. Sirius bumped into the healing wound on his hip and Remus drew breath sharply.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry,” Sirius whispered.</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay,” Remus murmured. He pulled away from Sirius to roll onto his back.</p><p class="p1">Sirius rolled over to look at Remus.</p><p class="p1">“Kiss it better?” Sirius asked.</p><p class="p1">Remus turned his head to face Sirius, whose eyes looked like lamps in the dark.</p><p class="p1">“You really want to go there?”</p><p class="p1">“They say never go to bed angry.”</p><p class="p1">Remus sighed and looked at the ceiling. “I’m not angry.”</p><p class="p1">“You haven’t kissed me yet. Since you came home.”</p><p class="p1">“You want me to kiss you? Aren’t you angry at me?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m angry at Dumbledore. I’m angry at Voldemort. I’m angry at this war. I’m angry at fucking lycanthropy. We should be having the time of our lives. We should be going out to concerts and getting sloshed and fucking in club bathrooms.”</p><p class="p1">“We can get sloshed and fuck in our own bathroom.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius reached for Remus’ stomach, tracing his coarse hair down to his cock. Remus’ eyes closed involuntarily.</p><p class="p1">“Pads…”</p><p class="p1">“Let’s just forget it, Moony. I forgive you. Please just fuck me, I’ve been so horny. I missed you so fucking much. I can’t sleep.”</p><p class="p1">Remus chuckled and turned his head back to look a Sirius.</p><p class="p1">“It’s a convincing argument, but I’m injured.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ll be gentle.”</p><p class="p1">“I’m sure you will, pillow princess.”</p><p class="p1">“Fuck you,” Sirius said, and pressed a kiss to Remus’ shoulder.</p><p class="p1">“You’re trying to bait me. I thought you didn’t want me ‘aggro.’”</p><p class="p1">“Maybe a little.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Sirius said, his voice breathy. He reached out and touched a finger to Remus’ bottom lip. “Your teeth are still a little sharper.”</p><p class="p1">Remus nipped at Sirius’ finger playfully.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Sirius whispered. He leaned in to kiss Remus full on the mouth and Remus met his intensity then immediately took charge, propping himself up on an elbow and threading his other hand through Sirius’ hair to hold him by the back of the head.</p><p class="p1">Sirius melted. This was the side of Remus only he got to see. Powerful. Dominant. And so fucking sexy.</p><p class="p1">“You miss me?” Remus whispered in his ear.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Sirius whined, the air crushed from his chest as Remus sucked bruises into his throat.</p><p class="p1">“Show me, then.” Remus let go and fell back onto the bed, a little harder than he intended. He winced at the pain in his hip but it was quickly replaced by the pleasure of Sirius’ hot mouth on his cock. “Beautiful. You’re absolutely beautiful.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius purred and Remus could feel the vibration.</p><p class="p1">“I love your mouth.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius took him deep in his throat. Remus grabbed the sheets in his fists.</p><p class="p1">“Fuck… I love your mouth but I want your ass now.” Sirius slowly took Remus’ cock out of his mouth, licking the tip while making coy eye contact. “On your knees.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius bit back a smile.</p><p class="p1">“Oh you like that idea?”</p><p class="p1">Sirius crawled onto his hands and knees as Remus reached to the nightstand for the lube.</p><p class="p1">“Mhmmmm…” Sirius yelped as Remus slapped his ass, then moaned as Remus slid a slick finger into his asshole.</p><p class="p1">“You like that?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah…”</p><p class="p1">“Good.” Remus added another finger. Sirius groaned. Remus added a third finger. Sirius pushed his ass back to feel more of the blunt fullness.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, you like that?” Remus growled. He took his fingers out suddenly. Sirius keened, then felt Remus lining his cock up with his stretched asshole.</p><p class="p1">“Yes. Please…”</p><p class="p1">“Please what?”</p><p class="p1">“Please fuck me. Goddamnit Remus fuck me. I want you so bad.”</p><p class="p1">“Alright. But only ‘cause you asked so nicely.”</p><p class="p1">He pushed in roughly, grunting with effort.</p><p class="p1">“Like that?”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah,” Sirius said, his voice strangled. Remus put a long-fingered hand on his back, claiming him, sawing in and out quickly, matter-of-factly.</p><p class="p1">“You like me fucking you hard.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah…” Sirius whined. Remus slapped his ass and Sirius yelped again.</p><p class="p1">“You like me slapping your ass.”</p><p class="p1">“Yes,” Sirius said breathlessly. He was holding himself up with one hand now and using the other to stroke himself.</p><p class="p1">Remus sped up to a punishing pace.“I think what you really like is the thought of being defiled.” His voice rumbled in his chest. Sirius could see Remus in his mind’s eye, long lean body looming over him, teeth sharp. “You, the heir to the Black fortune, the purest bloodline in England, taking it up the ass from a filthy Mudblood werewolf.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius came in great spurts, collapsing onto his elbows. Remus wasn’t finished. He fucked into Sirius mercilessly for another minute, then came and knelt there panting for a moment until he gingerly extricated himself. Sirius rolled over onto his back and met Remus’ eyes, which seemed concerned under a furrowed brow.</p><p class="p1">“What’s wrong?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from. I didn’t mean… I mean, it was just…”</p><p class="p1">“I get it,” Sirius said. “I liked it.”</p><p class="p1">Remus ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I’m still… I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay,” Sirius murmured, sitting up and reaching out to him.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t… I’m sorry,” Remus said with a yawn. “I’m exhausted. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”</p><p class="p1">“Definitely.”</p><p class="p1">Sirius kissed the top of Remus’ head and padded off toward the bathroom to clean up.</p><p class="p1">When he returned to bed Remus was asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. November 1, 1981</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The morning after the slaughter of three of his closest friends and the arrest of his lover, Remus goes to Dumbledore for guidance.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Dumbledore was sitting at his desk as if nothing was wrong. Remus stormed in, his whole body vibrating.</p><p class="p1">“We have to do something. He’s innocent.”</p><p class="p1">Dumbledore adjusted his glasses.</p><p class="p1">“We don’t know that.”</p><p class="p1">“It can’t have been him,” Remus spluttered. “He was his best friend. They both were.”</p><p class="p1">“He was their secret keeper.”</p><p class="p1">“Voldemort’s surprised us before, maybe there’s some way to break it we don’t know about…”</p><p class="p1">“Remus, sit down.” Remus sat across from Dumbledore, the older man’s gaze boring into him. “I know this is hard to hear, but sometimes the most likely explanation is the simplest. Sirius’ whole family were Death Eaters. He was an extremely charming boy…”</p><p class="p1">Remus shook his head. “Are you saying he was lying the whole time?”</p><p class="p1">“Sometimes we think we know a person,” Dumbledore said gently. “I thought I knew Grindelwald.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s not the same thing. You were… We lived together. We were…” Remus swallowed painfully when he thought of their late night talks about their dream for the end of the war. A small ceremony, just close friends. Flowers. Little Harry toddling down the aisle as ring-bearer. Remus drew in a shaky breath. “There wasn’t even a trial. We have to appeal the decision.”</p><p class="p1">“I shall speak to some sympathizers at the Ministry. But you can’t get involved.”</p><p class="p1">“Why?”</p><p class="p1">“The proceedings would expose you.”</p><p class="p1">“Sirius and I weren’t secretive about our relationship.”</p><p class="p1">“They would expose you as a werewolf, Remus.” Remus’ face slackened. He hadn’t thought of that. “They would use it to discredit you. And you would never again find employment in the wizarding world.”</p><p class="p1">“But Sirius…”</p><p class="p1">“Sirius wouldn’t have wanted you to throw away your entire future for him. Let me look into it.”</p><p class="p1">Remus closed his mouth and nodded. He understood that what Dumbledore said was true. All it would take would be for one juror to find a document or ask a delicate question and his carefully constructed bubble of safety and secrecy would shatter. His heart ached. But there was still more to be done. There was more he could do.</p><p class="p1">“Harry?”</p><p class="p1">“He’s with Lily’s sister.”</p><p class="p1">“I’ll go fetch him today.”</p><p class="p1">Dumbledore straightened a stack of papers on his desk.</p><p class="p1">“No, he’ll be staying with the Dursley family.”</p><p class="p1">“What? Sirius is his godfather. James and Lily,” he choked. It was difficult to speak their names. “They would have wanted him to live with me.”</p><p class="p1">“It would bring even more scrutiny on you, Remus. Harry can’t afford to be the most famous child in the wizarding world and be brought up by a werewolf. He will be shielded from the worst of it living in a muggle household.”</p><p class="p1">“I disagree, Professor. Harry has lost… He’ll need…”</p><p class="p1">“The decision has been made.”</p><p class="p1">Remus stood. “By you!” he accused. “In the middle of the night! With no input from friends or family. I know they won’t let me see him,” Remus wailed. “Lily told us about them, they’re awful.” He was really crying now, ugly, uneven sobs. “She… She would’ve wanted Harry to be with me.”</p><p class="p1">Dumbledore’s voice was calm. “Lily would’ve wanted Harry to be safe. He will be.”</p><p class="p1">“And what about me? I’ve lost…” Remus couldn’t finish. Rage was bubbling up underneath his sorrow. Dumbledore the chess player. Calm and logical through the storm. Moving pawns around. His blue eyes scared Remus as he responded dispassionately.</p><p class="p1">“You’ve lost three of your best friends. Your lover is in Azkaban for their murders. Harry is with the Dursleys.” Each fact was a wound. “These things are true. Terrible, but true. We must move on.”</p><p class="p1">“How?” Remus exploded. “How do I move on? I’ve lost the man I love and you say I can’t save him. The boy I’ve treated as a nephew is taken from me and you say I can’t go to him. My friends are dead and I can’t bring them back. And still I have to hide from everyone. This is more than any man can bear.”</p><p class="p1">“And yet you must.”</p><p class="p1">Remus whirled, left, and slammed the door behind him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. August 18, 1983</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Two years after Sirius is carted away, Remus tries and fails to move on.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Remus was tired. He was drunk. He was grieving, still. Years later. Years that had gone by in a washing machine cycle of paler and paler discomforts and injustices.</p><p class="p1">He couldn’t stay in his flat. He took one more swig from the bottle and apparated out of there.</p><p class="p1">With a pop he found himself at the end of an alley in Muggle London. Sirius had brought him here once.</p><p class="p1">Sirius haunted him. Sirius’ voice. Sirius’ mouth. Sirius’ hair. It was Sirius who had once brought him to this gay bar, warm and dark, the kind of place men went for clandestine meetings.</p><p class="p1">Perhaps the kind of place Remus could find more booze and a boy to drown his sorrows in.</p><p class="p1">He staggered in and sat down at the bar, looking out over the dance floor. He knew it was stupid but he hadn’t yet been able to shake the feeling he might see Sirius somewhere. That Sirius had not been sent to Azkaban. Or that he had escaped. But that would mean he hadn’t come back to Remus. Which was perhaps worse than… No, nothing was worse than what had happened.</p><p class="p1">“What can I get you?”</p><p class="p1">Remus turned and drew in a startled breath; the bartender had long dark hair that swung down to his shoulders. If he squinted, maybe if he drank more, the man could look like Sirius.</p><p class="p1">“Shot of whiskey.”</p><p class="p1">“Break-up?” the bartender asked. When he turned back to Remus with a bottle of whiskey his face was all wrong. Not bad-looking. But not Sirius.</p><p class="p1">“That obvious?” Remus forced himself to say.</p><p class="p1">“Looking for a rebound?”</p><p class="p1">“Something like that.” Remus gritted his teeth.</p><p class="p1">“Any luck yet? You should have no problem. You’re gorgeous,” the bartender said as he poured the shot.</p><p class="p1">Remus couldn’t answer. The flirting was turning his stomach. It was still too soon. He couldn’t do this. Fuck. It had been almost two years. He took the shot. It burned.</p><p class="p1">“No luck,” he managed to choke out.</p><p class="p1">“That’s a shame. You stay here with me. I’ll take care of you. ‘Nother shot?”</p><p class="p1">Remus nodded and turned blearily to the dance floor.</p><p class="p1">Men danced. Music thrummed. Remus reeled. He closed his eyes and saw Sirius. He opened his eyes and felt sick.</p><p class="p1">He felt something on his shoulder; he jumped. It was the bartender, out from behind the bar.</p><p class="p1">“Hey. I’ve got a break now. And to be honest, you’re just my type. Fancy a walk out back?”</p><p class="p1">The bartender winked. He was wearing blue eyeshadow. Sirius had worn eyeshadow sometimes. The bartender’s hand was outstretched and Remus took it and fell forward after him.</p><p class="p1">Once they were outside the bartender went to kiss him.</p><p class="p1">“Don’t kiss me,” Remus said. The man shrank back immediately. Good.</p><p class="p1">“I thought…”</p><p class="p1">Remus shook his head, trying to clear it.</p><p class="p1">“Skinny blokes with scars are your type?”</p><p class="p1">“Tall blokes who look like they can handle themselves are my type. Dominant.” The bartender batted his eyelashes. “Ones who’ll boss me around a bit.”</p><p class="p1">Remus’s mouth fell slack. He pressed his tongue to his teeth.</p><p class="p1">“I can do that.”</p><p class="p1">“Yeah?”</p><p class="p1">Remus had forgotten what to say, what to do. The bartender bit his lip in a gesture he obviously meant to be sexual.</p><p class="p1">“So tell me what to do.”</p><p class="p1">“Suck me.”</p><p class="p1">“Mm, yeah. Like that,” the boy said, licking his lips.</p><p class="p1">“I said, suck my cock.” Remus grabbed the bartender’s hair and shoved him down onto his knees. The man moaned obscenely, then began ripping at Remus’ trousers. Once Remus’ cock was out the man began lapping at it as if it was a lollipop. Remus thrust into his mouth. The man gagged. Remus hissed in a breath.</p><p class="p1">It wasn’t Sirius. It wasn’t even good.</p><p class="p1">But it was something.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. June 10, 1994</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After the events of The Prisoner of Azkaban, Sirius and Remus have the conversation they couldn't have in front of the children.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">Remus was trying to get his tiny kitchen sorted. He didn’t have much, but the tea kettle was eluding him. At the precise moment he found it (in a box under his two dish towels) there was a knock at the door.</p><p class="p1">He considered ignoring it. Probably a solicitor. But it could be a kind neighbor introducing herself. Or Dumbledore, saying he’d stood up to Malfoy and his goons on the Hogwarts Board of Governors and reinstated Remus as a professor. Hey could dream. <em>Better go get it.</em></p><p class="p1">Seeing Sirius on his doorstep knocked the air out of him.</p><p class="p1">“You shouldn’t be here,” Remus whispered. “You were supposed to get out of England.”</p><p class="p1">“I needed to talk to you. Couldn’t say what I wanted to with the children there.”</p><p class="p1">“Get in,” Remus said, ushering Sirius into the bare flat. “How did you find me? I just moved.”</p><p class="p1">“Dumbledore.”</p><p class="p1">“So he helps now?” Remus grumbled. He gestured toward the tea kettle. “Tea?”</p><p class="p1">“No. Thank you.”</p><p class="p1">“Where’s Buckbeak?”</p><p class="p1">“Out in a field. He’ll be fine.”</p><p class="p1">Remus nodded. He didn’t know what to say next. Sirius shifted his weight between his feet.</p><p class="p1">“I want to say… I practiced every day what I would say to you when I saw you again. I know you… Could you please just let me say it? Without interrupting? I don’t know if I can…”</p><p class="p1">“Yes,” said Remus.</p><p class="p1">“Okay then.” Sirius took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”</p><p class="p1">This was preposterous to Remus. “What?”</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you—”</p><p class="p1">“No, don’t you say you’re sorry—”</p><p class="p1">“Just let me say it, Moony.”</p><p class="p1">Remus took a breath, swallowed, and nodded again. It was so painfully sweet to heard Sirius call him that. Sirius began again.</p><p class="p1">“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you we’d changed the plan. It was all very last-minute. I’m sorry I didn’t come home.”</p><p class="p1">That morning came rushing back to Remus, bright and terrible. Tears threatened to spill down his cheeks. <em>Where are you?</em></p><p class="p1">“I didn’t realize what had happened until the last minute and I was taken away so quickly. I’m sorry for the things I said the night before. I didn’t know what I was thinking. I love you.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I love you.</em>
</p><p class="p1"><em>“</em>And I understand that it’s been thirteen years and you may have moved on, but I still love you.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I still love you.</em>
</p><p class="p1"><em>“</em>Thinking of you was all that kept me alive in there.” Sirius slowly raised his head and looked up at Remus; his eyes felt like carving knives. “So just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Kiss me. Suck my cock. Scream my name. Hold me. Pet me. Make it go back to the way it was. Tell me these thirteen years have been nothing but a nightmare, that we are still young and strong, that we have our whole lives ahead of us.</em>
</p><p class="p1">“I’m not what I was,” Remus managed.</p><p class="p1">“And I am?” Sirius let out a weak chuckle. “Look at me, I’m a cadaver.”</p><p class="p1">“I didn’t do anything, I didn’t go to you,” Remus sobbed.</p><p class="p1">“You couldn’t have. I understand that.”</p><p class="p1">Remus had run out of counterpoints. He took a deep, shaky breath and shook his head.</p><p class="p1">“There’s no one else.” Another breath. “It’s you. It’s always been.” He took a step toward Sirius, and space collapsed between them. They were together again, and Sirius fit in his arms just as he had in those dark days of the first war. Perhaps not just as he had—Sirius was indeed skeletal—but his head was right below Remus’ chin. Remus stroked Sirius’ matted hair and longed to brush it, to run his fingers through it, to braid it as he had when they were boys.</p><p class="p1">Sirius broke the embrace first.</p><p class="p1">“Can I kiss you?” he asked, his voice raspy and his puppy dog eyes huge in his sunken face.</p><p class="p1">Remus caressed Sirius’ cheek. Sirius’ eyes fluttered closed for a moment and Remus could see the ghost of the boy he had been—mischievous, preening, brave.</p><p class="p1">“Please.”</p>
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